On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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