I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
