Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
