this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
