What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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