My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
