So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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