Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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