im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
