You can't special order awesome
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
