You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
