I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
