Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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