I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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