Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
