I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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