I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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