I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
