he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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