Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
