You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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