So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
