he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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