D3 body, D1 cock
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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