grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
