she was so not down for the gang bang
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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