I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
