His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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