Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
