the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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