i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Floor bacon is actually really good
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize