I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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