I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
