her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
