I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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