There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
