the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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