I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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