I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
