Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
