Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
