$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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