my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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