omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Randomize
