Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!