Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Every concussion has its silver lining
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
