Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
