I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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