She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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