i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
