she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
