He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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