That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
