rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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