Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
