We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We just shotgunned beers for America
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
