She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
