I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
