Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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