We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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