I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
